The next best thing & Sincere approach to friendship

The next best thing

JL Summers

Every man wants to be wanted…case closed. Whether it is by the most attractive girl in your class or the quiet one that admires you from afar. But, most men do not fall for the wallflower.

On the contrary, we fall for the women who have men’s attention when she enters the room. The ideal lady is tall, shapely and has a smile that gives you the feeling of baby dragons flapping around in your gut (men don’t get butterflies).

We constantly think of smooth lines that might separate us from the pack, but all we can usually manage is some guttural form of “hello.” That is when we fade into the background and discover the wallflower that is admiring us and strike up a conversation with her instead. We speak to her about the girl we pine after, but have a slim chance with. She is cool with the conversation just because we are taking time to speak with her.  A friendship ensues and the hope of a romantic interest is sparked inside the young lady.

When it comes to friends with benefits, feelings are always involved. Someone from the beginning is invested and willing to give up the physical in hopes of obtaining the emotional. The sad part though, is that men are usually more concerned with the physical. Therefore, when the quiet friend, who has loved us since day one, offers to be sexual with us, we jump at the opportunity. We do not pay heed to how she wants to be held afterwards, the text asking to get dinner, nor care about her rough day in class.

All we want to hear is, “you wanna come over to chill?” I realize that not all men are like this, but a majority are and are not cognizant that they are toying with the emotions of an individual. They see it as a mutual understanding of taking care of one another’s needs, but essentially only one person’s needs are being met and that is the gentlemen’s. Ladies, this is what we call a placeholder. A placeholder is an individual who takes off the sexual edge so that the other person does not look desperate when they are around the opposite sex. They are the fall back plan if you don’t pick up someone from the bar, the person who makes the opposite sex jealous at parties and the late night call when you are emotional. All of which, is a product from being labeled the less attractive one out of the pair and emotionally involved.

This leads me to the next point. A friend with benefits relationship begins when there is an unequal distribution of attractiveness between friends and there are no other suitors present. You may mind this observation shallow, but I find it quite true. For instance, if a guy is a nine and a girl is a six, then there is little hope for a romantic relationship. Men usually don’t date women they feel are less attractive than them, and only do so when they are in a drought (shallow but true). Now if the shoe is on the other foot, then women will date the less attractive man because women are more attracted to personality than looks.

Therefore, a man is willing to be sexually active with a girl because…well hey its better than doing it solo right? Then we proceed to think we are the “man” because we are having sex on the regular. Thus, leading more attractive women to notice our confidence and lack of desperation in our eyes.

All of which, brings me to my final point. Someone ends up being hurt no matter what. When a man obtains the interest of more attractive women, then that friend is discarded and left with heartache and confusion. In her mind, the two of you were forming a bond and making steps toward a relationship. You, in moments of weakness, have held her a little too long, texted a little too much and kissed here a little too passionately.

All are clear signs to women that you are invested and ready to make your affair more permanent. Yet, as men do, we bite off more than we can chew and go after the girl we have been admiring from afar. She agrees to a date and one of two things happen. The date goes great and you live happily ever after (except for the wallflower), or the date is terrible and you realize you had way more fun with your friend.

The wallflower made you laugh, understood you and knows exactly what you like behind closed doors. Therefore, we go back and try to rekindle a relationship we almost stamped out, but at that point she is damaged and hurt and you are trying to mend a cracked and bitter heart.

Men view friends with benefits as a gateway to greener pastures. If that means taking a detour in a less appealing car, then we will, because we have our eyes set on the prize. Yet, the true prize is the young lady who gets us there. She took the time to get to know us, and cherish our flaws and didn’t make us jump through hoops. The lady sacrificed her virtue so that she could feel closer to a man that had no intentions of, sweeping her off her feet. Therefore gentlemen, before you jump in sack headfirst, think about the heart you are about to pierce.

 

This writer can be contacted at opinion@theeastcarolinian.com.

 

Sincere approach to friendship

Mahogany Bullock-Clayton

For those of you who don’t know what the term “friend with benefits” means, grow up. We’ve all seen the movies. It’s the newest, convenient way to enjoy all the perks of lover, without the love, commitment, or hassle. However, nothing in life is ever as easy as it seems.

A friend with benefits is simply a friend that allows you to enjoy the pleasurable (sexual) benefits that one would receive in a relationship. Just like with any arrangement, there are rules. Rule number one: don’t catch feelings. When embarking on this turbulent adventure, know the risks. Love may hit you unexpectedly. This may sound fun and romantic, if it’s reciprocated. Realistically, not everybody falls in love with someone who loves him or her back. Therefore, if rule number one is broken, the arrangement may turn into a relationship…or a disaster.

After rule number one, there really are no rules. It is a fun and easy way to basically get whatever you want without getting hurt. However, everything has to end some way.

Females are naturally emotional creatures; I can vouch for that wholeheartedly. When dealing with a “friend,”,you have to be real with yourself. If you start catching feelings, own up to them. Jealousy comes naturally, there’s no need to ignore it. I think the major flaw in these relationships is lack of honesty, and constant bulls***. People like to believe they can take part in such a thing and remain emotionless. No, we all have feelings. Just because we are not dating, doesn’t mean what you do has no effect on me.

The entire concept of having someone you are close with, also meet your “other” needs is almost genius. It is easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of conflicting emotions. “We’re friends, but we’re not friends?” The questions continue to arise: “How do we act in public?” “What if I start to like him?” “Do I still date other people?” It is very easy to get confused.

Being overly analytical is in a female’s nature. With a situation like this, there is so much to analyze. On the other hand, guys simply enjoy getting the best of both worlds while living their carefree, worry-free lifestyles. They don’t care that we sit over here and agonize about the mere thought of unrequited emotions. As long as the convenience remains, they can remain calm.

A woman can only contain her emotional turmoil for so long. Eventually, “the talk” will happen. I am not saying she is going to fall head over heels, but she is going to ponder every “what if” combination she can think of. We fear the thought of ending up hurt, and with an unstable situation such as this, the possibilities of someone ending up damaged is pretty high.

If only we were so lucky as to be emotionless humans like the male species. Unnecessary attachments would be a thing of the past, and frivolous flings would remain as such. Sadly, I am not. I am riddled with care and passion. I cry when I watch “The Notebook,” I scream when I’m scared and I trust those haven’t earned it (disclaimer: not all woman are like this).

In the extremely unfortunate event that you fall for your “friend,” all you can do is hope he has fallen too. My guess is, he hasn’t. Men are designed to go after what they want. If he wanted you, he would say it. He wouldn’t wait until it was said, to merely agree. There is still hope it can happen, however. In the grand scheme of things, he has been getting everything a guy could ask for. A good friend and lover, all in one. Why would anybody want to change that with stipulations, rules and boundaries? If you’ve been giving somebody free McDonalds for a year, and then suddenly give them the option to start paying for it, or continue receiving it for free, which do you think they will choose?

At the end of the day, a friend with benefits is simply that. It’s a great idea, and a lot of fun, as long as you remember you are just a friend, who is getting some benefits.